A while back I wrote a blog titled "Suicidal Thoughts", based on the issues that caused me to contemplate suicide. This is the follow up.
As as result of my speaking to the doctor, I was signed off work and undertook a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help we work through the issues that had put me in such a position. This was backed up by counselling through a service provided by my employer. Basically it was a mix of financial worries, the worries caused by COVID-19 and my co-morbidities and family issues that had been there since the start of COVID. In part I had turned to alcohol as a part of my coping mechanism, which had made things worse.
Working through the course persuaded me that I needed to drastically cut down my intake, and also to evaluate my feelings before reacting to situations. The reduction in alcohol intake stays in effect to this day, an I believe for the most part I now react in a more reasoned and reasonable manner to most situations. I also have to keep working at dealing with each situation independently, rather than dwelling too long on the "what ifs" of different combinations of things.
My progress was such that I was signed as fit to return to work with specific provisions, just before Christmas. The approach was agreed by both my own doctor and my company's Occupational Health Consultant, but could not be discussed by my company or contractual employers until the new year, due to the holiday period. So Christmas and New Year came and went, an I was hoping for a reasonably quick response. Since the trigger for my thoughts had been the fear of using public transport, the provisions were based around a phased return to work, firstly working from home then gradually starting to return to the office one, two then three days a week before returning there full time.
The role I held on the contract was one which did require me to be in the office when fully occupied, but I had successfully carried out the main duties from home for the vast majority of the COVID period. Therefore I was hopeful that the approach would be accepted. However, as time went by with no official word other than that my manager on the contract had to hand the situation over to his manager, as he was extremely busy, January passed by without any word, and the doubts began to set in.
The focal point for each day became my exercises for bringing myself into the "now", combined with breathing and relaxation. These as I had previously mentioned in "Kata and CBT" I had worked in with my Karate practice, as meditation forms a part of the routine for that discipline as well, at least the concept of "Mokuso" or empty mind. I also spent part of the time learning new kata, courtesy of Videos from Noah Legel. That, and doing some of the tasks that had been outstanding for a while.
There were other trials and tribulations along the way, but it obviously began to sink in that things were very likely not going to be as they were before. This in turn brought new worries, which began to take a hold to some extent. Battling these became added to the other issues I had already outlined to deal with, but the worst part as I am sure anyone will know, is the waiting.
I finally had my meeting with HR in early February, accompanied by one of the company directors, who had taken an interest in my case. At the meeting I learnt of their concerns and intention to offer me a new role, working fin house and from home, with flexible hours. This would address many of the worries I had, but obviously would mean some adjustments. Then started another wait to see if this would come to pass. The email finally came today, just as I was starting to write this blog. Now I have to consider a fresh start and new challenges, but at least I am still here to tell the tale 😊.
REY 17/02/2022
