February for me I thought was a new dawn. Being doubly at risk to Covid-19, the rapid development of vaccinations and being able to get my first jab was like opening a window to the light at the end of the tunnel.
Mental health issues were also a concern. Four people living in the same house 24x7 for 11 months had also taken it's toll: Two had confirmed mental health issues going into the first lockdown, whilst I was starting to have some issues, which only got worse for a while. The other member of our household also started to suffer, so there was offer of respite there too.
Then there were financial issues that were immediately pressing when the first lock down occurred. These had got worse and worse during the 11 months, as it turned out through no fault of my own. I thought I had managed to these resolved too by February.
I was wrong on both counts 😕 The "so near yet so far syndrome" kicked in, with the frustration of having to wait another 12 weeks before thinking of actually being able to comfortably go out again, I am not the only member of my family to need a second jab, and in some ways things became even more of a frustration. Tempers started to get more ragged, and mine was included in that, plus mood swings.
Then there were the finances, what I had thought was resolved turned out not to be. Lets say it involves pensions, a mistake on behalf of the pension company, and then the tax man losing most of my repayments plus another complication. I thought I had solved all that, but no I hadn't and the complication reared it's head again with a bite back. With the other issues, I was struggling to face that too.
Now comes the hardest part, I have to admit I have a liking for alcohol. Most of the time it isn't a problem, but at times during the 14 month Covid lockdown (for me) it has been an issue, and these last months it has probably been at it's worst. All in all you could say that it was a volatile cocktail and I wasn't making things anything easier for myself.
Looking back thing really started to deteriorate just before my 60th birthday. Things seemed to going reasonably well between most of us, then one what I thought was a small reaction to a situation started to make things unravel. I will spare you the details, but basically we all limped through a couple of days to mine then my sons birthdays, but then after that things really unravelled.
I just about held myself together when working and tried to stick at karate, but the close proximity of all concerned made that difficult too. Home issues intermingled with the training and as things worsened between me and the rest of the family, obviously my training was affected as well, so I lost for me what was a certain anchor point for a while.
Basically, whatever other peoples actions were, my own responses and mood swings were definitely making thing worse. For the last part of March and most of April it is fair to say that no-one in the house wanted to talk to me. In part this was down to the fact that they all have their own issues to deal with, but a a bigger part was my difficulties in dealing with issues I had thought already resolved and mood swings caused my own mental state, fuelled with an increased reliance on alcohol as an escape mechanism.
Most of April was more of the same, with me withdrawing into myself, trying to avoid conflict and family contact time (including training) and resorting to alcohol as one of the escape mechanisms. Also trying to bury my head in the sand about external issues and ignoring correspondence I knew was related to it "putting it off until tomorrow", but knowing it would come home to roost. Something had to give and eventually it did.
For a few weeks things limped along as they were, but on 24th April, things came to head. It was a combination of everything that got to me, The feeling of isolation, coupled with the other worries and fuelled by drink led to me holding a knife to myself, contemplating ending it all. My partner took one knife from me, but I found another. At that point, the lack of response to my sister's calls resulted in the police being called.
The police took the second knife, and long talks with me and my family ensued. Due to my co-morbidities and the fact I hadn't had the second Covid jab, the first option of being taken to A&E really didn't appeal. The second option was to try to work it out within the family, and that's the way I've gone. It certainly hasn't been plain sailing, but we started talking again at that point.
I faced up to the root cause of the financial worries, though there is still a lot of work to do. The family have helped me get my drinking under control and the sense of isolation has to a large extent faded. However, we are all aware how fragile things are and at times have to strive to keep feelings under control. Very much work in progress but hopefully at least some things are now going in the right direction. I am enjoying my karate again too, so little steps.
REY 31/05/2021
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