Suicidal thoughts

 Probably one of the hardest things to talk about, but I have contemplated it a few times over the last three or four months.  Two times I've held a long bladed kitchen knife to my stomach, once I made a hangman's noose and the last time I got it back out and thought about it.  Once with the knife the police were called by my sisters, as they couldn't get hold of me after a comment on Facebook, and the last time my son walked in on me with the noose in front of me.

There are a number of problems in my life, some are financial worries, other are family issues which I have to work on, or other members of my family.  Any one on their own can be worked on, but then came Covid-19 and a whole new host of worries.  Prior to Covid-19, my health was largely under control through the use of medication, but Covid-19 changed that, as it now makes them potentially immediate killer conditions (heart and lung issues + Covid-19 is not a happy combination).

We were recently warned about having to go back to work full time, and told to prepare mentally, and I thought I had,  However, when it came the message hit me with a bigger  effect than I thought. The first bit was in two weeks time, one week in three which allowed a bit of breathing space,  the second actually the official update was that it would be the following week, but the trigger for events was the third update, which was that we would have to be using public transport.

Whilst I have been back to work in the office a couple of times in the last 20 months, it was always using a cab.   The thought of using public transport hit hard.  In my own group at work, social distancing and the use of masks is still in place, but travelling by train is a whole different thing.  No rules, no masks and people around you who have no consideration for others.  I just went numb, but with the feeling of a massive weight on my shoulders.

The common thing that I have noticed in the last two years, is that when a situation has arisen to which I am struggling to respond, all the other issues which I have been trying to deal with one by one rush in as well. giving a feeling of overwhelming helplessness, with no way of unravelling it.  A Gordian knot if you will.   With no obvious way out, that's when the feeling of helplessness followed by the contemplation of suicide kicked in.

My son's intervention got me to speak to the doctor and am now going to undertake a course in CBT accompanied by some counselling to help untangle the knots.  Family, messages from friends and the ability to train online with some of them have also been a great help.  I felt I needed to write this, just in case it might help some others.

REY 13/11/2021