Do you Want it? Come and Earn it...

Before the Grading

I should have guessed the next grading test would be different on many levels from the ones I had done previously, before and during Covid, however when I was asked whether I remembered all my Kihon and had practiced them, my answer was a simple "yes." This was followed by an invitation to attend the next grading. I would be trying for my Blue belt.

In the days prior to the grading, I acted as (my son) Brendan's uke for an element that hadn’t been present in previous gradings that I had seen for the higher belts. The routines to escape from a double choke hold weren’t included in my grading, so I wasn’t really aware how anything was going to differ. The last grading I had done we had no paired elements in that, only basic pad work to demonstrate competence in our Kihon Gata.

The Test Begins

Come grading day I thought it would be tough due to my lack of stamina from COPD and the absence of seriously strenuous exercise prior to returning to the dojo several months earlier. I was told this would be taken into account during the grading, as my examiners were fully aware of my issues.

I'm nothing if not bloody-minded though, and at the start of group Kihon I did my best to fully keep up, only dropping the power but matching the other students’ repetitions.

It took two or three techniques and I was almost gone, anything fast was nearly beyond me. Fortunately, the chief examiner told me to go a bit slower rather than trying to keep up. That way, I just made it through Kihon and Kihon Gata, though I was well aware that much of it was probably more ragged than that of other students.

Kata and Recovery

Fortunately, there was a break at that point as the more advanced students went through their additional Kihon Gata. I only had to demonstrate 1 to 4, while some of the other students going for purple belt had to demonstrate all 10.

By the time I got to the point of having to demonstrate my Kata (Naihanchi Shodan), I was determined to get it right. Unfortunately, I didn’t fully relax into it and there was some stiffness but I did manage to get to the end without any major mishaps. That was it — I was done, for better or worse. Or so I thought.

The Circuit Challenge

The higher grade students went through their choke hold, ground work, and other routines that took up a good while. I thought we were done. Silly me. I should have remembered the last face-to-face grading I did before Covid, where they had started to introduce pad work. To my dismay, rather than ending there, out came the various pad sets for circuit work.

There were to be three circuits to be done, from one end of the hall and back, performing the various Kihon Gata combinations on the pads to the call of the pad holders. This was going to test me to the full — and so it did.

I managed to do the first part of one circuit, which was mostly punching techniques, and started on the back sequence. By halfway down the return leg, I was struggling for breath, and I didn’t quite make it to the end. I stumbled off the mat and ended up in a heap on the floor, with someone kindly bringing my inhaler to help me recover. I was unable to participate in the other two circuits, as they were done before I got my breath back.

The Sparring Surprise

At that point, I felt that I had blown my chance of grading, which was deeply disappointing even though I had tried to the best of my ability.

Then came the last part of the grading — sparring. I had never seen this feature before, and it fully convinced me that I had no chance of passing. There were three rounds of sparring to take place, one minute each, and the first two rounds took place with me simply being an onlooker.

Then came the last twist in the tale. I was told to get my sparring kit on and that if I wanted to grade, I had to complete one minute of light sparring. It was against one of the younger students going for purple belt, who I knew had excellent technique, so I didn’t hold out much hope of doing anything meaningful.

However, having been thrown a lifeline, even if it was a challenge, there was no way I was going to miss out on the chance.

One Minute That Mattered

The next one minute was a blur, but one thing that did stick in my mind was that I was actually happy with — was that in response to a mawashi-geri jodan, I ducked my head, raised my shoulder, and took the kick. One of our black belts might remember why I was happy with that?

I remember my Sensei telling me “20 seconds to go,” “10,” then it was over. Again, I was on the floor needing my inhaler, but at least this time it was with the definite knowledge that I had completely given it my best shot.

The Result

I was still semi-resigned to having probably missed out, but there was this little seed of hope.

Then to the awards. All seated on the mat, awaiting our names to be called one by one.. and WOW, I had passed!! Admittedly it was only a C grade, which meant I had just scraped it from any point of view, but I had made it!!

 To say I was happy was an understatement. If you want it enough, sometimes it is possible to earn it even when you think you don’t have much of a chance. Don’t give up — even if it doesn’t work the first time, stick at it and you might just get there!

Thanks for reading.

REY 30/10/2025

Beyond the Dojo - Finding Clarity in Practice

 

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with a hereditary heart condition. Rather than give in to it, I chose to take action. At the time, my son was practising Karate, so I asked my doctor whether joining him might be beneficial. His advice was simple: go for it, but let the instructors know about any limitations. I did just that, and I’ve never looked back.

To support others facing similar health challenges, I began blogging about my journey and how Karate was helping me. Then, during a heart stress test, I was diagnosed with COPD — the result of many years spent smoking. I checked with my doctor once again, and he confirmed that Karate could aid with that too. So I continued, not only to improve my wellbeing but also to share quality time with my son. Naturally, I broadened the scope of the blog to include this new aspect.

Then came COVID. With two co-morbidities, I was classified as high-risk and required to work from home throughout the pandemic. Fortunately, my Dojo embraced modern tech and offered online lessons via Zoom — unlike many others. For two years, those sessions became a cornerstone of my home/work balance.

When restrictions lifted and I was expected to return to office work in the City, everything unravelled.

I suffered a breakdown at the prospect (having already been on medication for stress-related anxiety) and experienced suicidal thoughts.

I was prescribed stronger medication and referred for a course of online CBT. The concept of mindfulness in CBT immediately reminded me of "Mokuso" in Karate — the practice of clearing the mind. I worked that into my personal routine, combining awareness, controlled breathing, and the tension–release cycle. I documented it all in my blog, hoping it might help someone else, just as it helped me.

That shift got me over the mental hump, and I was offered a work-from-home role with my company. My condition was acknowledged as bordering on a disability by both my doctor and occupational health. Though my fear of travel and meeting strangers remains, Karate has remained a steady anchor.

When I was made redundant, I leaned hard on my Karate routine — especially to clear my head and decide on next steps. Ironically, I’ve always been willing (albeit uncomfortable) to travel familiar routes at off-peak times when needed.

In February, while contesting the redundancy, my 79-year-old sister in Sussex needed help. I took a train to see her — but at Upminster, a gang of suited teenagers boarded and surrounded my table. I nearly panicked. Yet thanks to Mokuso and CBT, I kept my composure. Controlled breathing got me through as they loudly bragged about assaults and unpaid gambling debts.

A week after returning from Sussex, I caught COVID — vindicating my fears about travel and exposure. Unfortunately, so did the rest of my family. 😞

That said, it passed within a week. I had the mildest symptoms thanks to being fully vaccinated. Now, the fear of COVID has eased for all of us, and we can venture out again. My fear of travel and strangers persists — but what’s top of the agenda? Returning to the Dojo with my now 18-year-old son, reconnecting with old friends, and rediscovering the life we once knew.

I’ve also resolved to blog consistently again — sharing how a strong, healthy focus can steady the mind and support you through the hardest of times.

Thank you for reading this far.

REY
16-07-2025

The understanding of a form and (some of) its uses....

I have a penchant for trying to learn kata and forms both for mental stimulation.  I started to try to work out Ho Chien Wat out of curiosity, as I thought it was a beautiful form with definite elements of sharp contrast.   In doing so, I found that I was learning something that was both potentially good for breathing and, for me, good for exercise if performed as close as I can in the manner I originally viewed.

 

Where I am with the latter version of the form now is shown below.

Ho Chien Wat to the Best of my Ability

What I did find in the early stages though, was that although I studied the form many times and wrote down as much details as I could from what I had viewed (Anatomy of a Form: Ho Chien Wat), translating that into a decent approximation of the form.  Then I got a chat from my friend PJ Broomy about doing one of our occasional chats/training sessions.  I had an idea that trying to explain it to someone else from a similar background would help me work things out, so I asked PJ if I could show him what I was up to. 

 

The below videos were made after the video session and can be contrasted with those of the earlier blog.   As to how it worked, I broke the form down into the three elements: Salutation, Mid-Section (repetition) and Final Sequence. Then I showed PJ the movements to each part slowly.  The mid-section, was not as long as it looks here, as I just did the RHS then LHS progression once.   

Ho Chien Wat salutation

Ho Chien Wat middle section

Ho Chien Wat final sequence

Showing and trying to explain what I was doing I found helped my own understanding of the movements involved, and feedback received, helped me to do some fine tuning.   I spent four or five days taking on board the better understood version, and finally felt comfortable in using the form in the same manner I use Tensho, for slow, deep breathing connected to the movements.

 

Ho Chien Wat slow

Given that I sometimes don't have a lot of room to practice in, I had also worked out a static version of Tensho, for specifically just relaxation and clearing the mind.  I have now developed a version incorporating Ho Chien Wat with a part of Tensho.  As this requires more focus to perform than Tensho on its own, I find that this is even better for clearing the mind.  the exercise itself is shown below.

Static Slow Breathing exercise

With more confidence, I found I wanted to use Ho Chien wat more often as exercise, and with that came the quicker articulation of the form as shown in the first video.  I make no claim to understand the form as a tool for fighting, that I acknowledge would take years of work.  However, as a tool for deep breathing, mindfulness and exercise, I believe that there are clear benefits to the form, for me at least.

Hope you enjoyed reading.

Thank you to Russ Smith and PJ Broomy for their support and input.

REY 31/01/2024

Anatomy of a Form: Ho Chien Wat, Crane Battle Method

 

For the last few months I've been sticking to practicing the basics from the first two lessons of Russ Smith's five Ancestors lessons, as I have had other things on my mind.  However, a vide recently appeared in my FB feed of Russ executing the Ho Chien Wat form.  It immediately grabbed my attention as something I would have to take another look at.  So much so that I found myself taking notes on the form, as I knew i wanted to try it myself.

These are notes, along with videos of the first run through, for comparison with the notes.  It is very much a work in progress, but I thought it might interest one or two people, so I decided to share it.

Long Salutation

Step out with Left foot into opening stance, relax.

Move hands inwards, pointing flat, fingertip to fingertip, palm own.

Form fists, while turning hands inwards so facing thumb tip to thumb tip

Draw Right shoulder back, Right fist following upward to chest level. Left fist moves upward to chest level across the body.

Hands open rapidly palm up, then turn over and push down quickly with Right should moving forward so torso is front facing, hands open and palm down, pointing inwards.

Right shoulder moves forward, hands move upwards, fingertips up with arms bent at elbow to shoulder height.  Right arm in front of Left, Right palm facing outward, Left palm facing shoulder.

Hands sweep out rapidly to either side, arms bent at elbows, to head height.  Hands hook into Crane posture, arms angled outwards to approximately 25 degrees.

Hands open up, fingertips upwards, rotated outwards about 30 degrees at wrists.  Arms come down, elbows bent until forearms are parallel to the ground at waist height, hands rotate out to 45 degrees on descent.

Right hand rotates outwards and clenches into a fist, as Right shoulder is drawn back, Left hand moves upwards across face.  Right fist is pulled fully back to chest height and Left hand continues to cover with open palm.

Body rotates so torso is front facing, hands are extended outward together, Right first in Left open palm until forearms parallel with floor in front of body.

Right fist opens so fingers pointing outward, back of RH still in palm of LH. Open hands (thumbs out) move out to shoulder width, forearms slightly angled upwards, with hands at a slightly steeper angle. 

Body rotates to Right, Right shoulder back.  Arms maintain their position but move slightly downwards, so that when Right shoulder is drawn back fully both hands are parallel to the ground, with the Left arm being across the front of the body.

Body rotates so torso is front facing, hands rotate outwards and up (thumbs in), ending up with hands in front of shoulder line and forearms slightly angled up, hands about 30 degrees from vertical. 

Forearms drop slightly, until they are parallel with ground.  Hands tilt outward slightly to about 40 degrees from vertical, settling into Guard position. 

Mid - Stepping sequence

Right step forward (RL in front)

Right step forward, wide gaited stance, knees slightly bent, hands palm open (thumbs in) facing forward.

Hands turn in, palm down.  Right shoulder and arm pulls back, hand drawn up to chest level with the Left arm being across the front of the body, also at chest level.   

(*All sequences ) Body rotates rapidly, torso to the front. both arms push fully out in front, hands open and parallel to the ground.

Hands close to form One knuckle fist, index middle knuckle prominent. wrists rotate inwards, so backs of hands face floor.

Hands open out, and arms move outwards in a circular motion.  Hands rotate outward and move with arms until the circle is closed and arms cross if front of face.

Left hand moves in front of Right as they the cross and move forwards and down (back of hand to back of hand at moment of crossing).  Hands move into crane (hooking) hands as the come in line with the shoulders.

Hands pulled inwards and upwards, forming fists whilst elbows remain bent until fists reach above head height with arms fully extended.

Hands come down to head level, elbows bending slightly and fists turn inwards before opening up into splayed hands with clawed fingers.

Hands come down and inwards, in line with shoulders and level with chest.  Arms are bent at elbows and fingers turn outwards, closing with palms forward (thumbs in) and at angle and pushing forward at the same time.  Settle into Guard position.  (48 seconds)

Left step forward (LL in front)

Left step forward, wide gaited stance, knees slightly bent, hands palm open (thumbs in) facing forward.

Hands turn in, palm down.  Left shoulder and arm pulls back, hand drawn up to chest level with the Right arm being across the front of the body, also at chest level.   

Sequence repeats as from * above until next step forward.

Right step forward (RL in front) - repeat RH move sequence as for previous RL in front

Right step back (LL in front) - repeat LH move sequence as for previous LL in front

Left step back  (RL in front) - repeat RH move sequence as for previous RL in front

Right step back. (LL in front) - repeat LH move sequence as for previous LL in front 

 End Sequence

Right hand moves down and back, behind the body line.  Left hand moves upwards in line with shoulder with wrist turning inwards.

Right foot moves outward and forward, until toes in line with Left heel, Right arm continues moving in an upward arc with Right shoulder going back.   RH ends up alongside Right ear, fingers splayed and pointing forward, palm pointing away from ear.  LH continues moving up in line with face and pushing across open palmed an vertical, to outside the Right shoulder.

Weight moves onto Right foot, hands move up in line with top of head (finger tips LH, blade of RH), winding up for strike. Left foot drags inwards and back behind heel line of Right foot, shoulder width gap between, then pivoting to Left on balls of feet to 45 degrees off forward facing.   At same time LH sweeps down palm down to waist height, whilst RH strikes across at neck height, palm up, in a bladed strike.   Both strikes to 45 degrees in line with body.

Left foot steps out into wide legged 45 degree stance, knees bent.  LH moves down and back, behind the body line, continues moving in an upward arc ends up alongside Left ear, fingers splayed and pointing forward, palm pointing away from ear.  RH moves upwards in line with shoulder with wrist turning inwards then continues moving up in line with face and pushing across open palmed and vertical, to outside the Left shoulder.

Weight moves onto Left foot, hands move up in line with top of head (finger tips RH, blade of LH), winding up for strike. Right foot drags inwards and back behind heel line of Left foot, shoulder width gap between, then pivoting to Right on balls of feet to 45 degrees off forward facing.   At same time RH sweeps down palm down to waist height, whilst LH strikes across at neck height, palm up, in a bladed strike.   Both strikes to 45 degrees in line with body.

Right foot turns inward to face forward, pivot Left foot backwards to present a sharply bladed stance, with Left leg almost behind Right leg, but with Left foot angled outwards.  LH remains in place relative to the body, whilst RH moves across to under Left, in vertical line with Left shoulder.   Body weight shifts back onto back leg, which bends at knee to accommodate.  RH goes back under Left arm, RF drags back into Cat stance.  LH pulls back in line with L side of chest, R arm flicks out and up, RH is initially pointing down, but flicks up into ridge hand at the end of the arm extension.

RH moves in from should line to in front of face, LH draws across to RH side of body.   R foot takes long stride forward, RH pulls back in line with R side of chest, L arm flicks out and up, LH is initially pointing down, but flicks up into ridge hand at the end of arm extension.  So there is a counter point of RF going forward, as LHS of torso twists forward.

LF pulls up, LH comes back RH comes to front as torso realigns.  R Elbow bent and RH open at an angle.  Footing settles into standard stride length, L arm pulls back until LH in line with LHS of chest, R arm extends as elbow is straightened RH extends into a flat position parallel to ground, wrist bent slightly inwards.

L foot goes back half a foot distance, coming inward to give a more bladed stance, RH rises slightly to above height of LH. R foot pulls back into Cat stance, RH moves across and wrist tilts up so RH palm facing forward at an angle.  L foot drags back further into deeper Cat stance, R arm drops slightly and R wrist rotates so RH is pointing downwards.  At same time LH starts to move forward, with L wrist rotating so that LH palm starts to face forward with fingers pointing upwards.  RH stops at groin height on Centre line, facing palm out fingers down, LH stops at chin height on Centre line, facing palm out fingers up.

LH closes into fist, wrist turning and LH pulling back to RHS of chest, RH closes into  fist and R arm rises to cross over L arm, with RH resting to LHS of chest.  RF goes back to side of LF, standing straight.  Fists pull back to just under chest line either side of the body.  Hands draw back further and hands open, palm up, wrists rotate so hands facing palm down.  Then hands push down quickly, palms parallel to the ground, fingers facing forward  Knees bend slightly as arms extend to full extent.  Knees unbend, hands fall naturally by sides.

First Run Through

I tried my first end to end "walk through" of the form on 10th December.  Very jerky with some pauses and in a limited space (which meant stepping back and forth, rather than three steps forward, three steps back as the form actually requires), and I definitely ended up on the wrong foot (stepping through with left foot, rather than stepping up and pushing on with right).

Very much a work in progress and different to most Karate kata, but for me it's just the kind of form I find relaxing and will be a good addition to Tensho.

REY 10/12/23

Shu Ha Ri

 Events towards the end of last year disheartened me somewhat, and as a result I felt little inclination to post blogs or record videos.  However, I never gave up doing the core that I use for my own purposes (relaxation, clearing the mind and breathing).  As a part of my New Year's resolution, I decided to get back to doing what I enjoy and start increasing the amount of training I do to start getting back to a healthy level of fitness.

In the first instance, I intend to do this by increasing the amount I do based around my core kata.  For those of you that are perhaps reading for the first time, these consist of Naihanchi, Sanchin and Tensho, based on the work I did for CBT to improve my mental health.

Naihanchi - (mostly Shodan, but as I increase the amount of work I do, intend to extend to Nidan and perhaps Sandan, though this isn't one of the kata I formally learned at my original dojo).  This I use for body awareness, how my body moves and the positioning of body elements during the execution of the kata.

Sanchin for body tensioning.

Tensho for deep breathing in a relaxed manner.

What persuaded me to do this was a friend who said that although still I was a novice, my use of kata for these specific purposes was something I had made my own.  As he termed it,  Shu Ha Ri, which I take as a pretty big compliment.  I still have so much to learn, and know that to advance my knowledge in a practical way, I need to return to the dojo.  Family circumstances still preclude this just now, but it is what I aim for.

In the mean-time, that somebody I respect tells me what I have done is of merit is enough for me.

REY 22/01/2023

January Covid blues

 

January Covid blues

January 2021, speaking politely was a mixed bag, especially emotionally.  Being really honest, it was pretty awful, with a struggle to find any motivation in the midst of it.  At least I had the luck of having two anchor points, my work, which was very demanding, and karate.

Given the inclement weather for training outside, work rather that karate was my "turn to" at many points, especially that month.  This was probably what resulted in all the neck issues I had around that time.  Karate usually provided a healthy counterpoint to work, but when the  balance switched, I think my body decided to tell me was being neglected. 

By this point I had effectively in lock-down for the best part of 10 months , with minimal physical interaction with anyone outside the immediate family in that time (i.e. the people in the house).   It took a toll on my mental health from the start, and I sought and found some help for that.   One of the big pluses was the advice that I should lock on to karate and keep on going.  That is what I tried to do.  

I think one of the hardest things to admit for many people is the need for a degree of separation.  In pre-Covid times, this was easy to achieve as most people who worked were separated from those at home for the duration of work and travel at least.   Working from home and being at extreme risk denied me and my family that separation.

I was not one of the gainsayers about Covid-19, it was a confirmed super-killer to anyone with my conditions, so there was no choice from my perspective other than to work from home to survive.  Some of my friends who contracted Covid gave me hope if their recoveries, but as the sole earner in my family I couldn't take many risks.  However, January 2021was probably the worst month during Covid, with respect to being able to keep home issues separate from work.

The two started to overlap and that was hard to cope with for me.   The coping mechanisms  for me cope had been a fair bit of kata and a few too many bottles of wine. The former has to be the preferred route, but becoming somewhat stale and so the second had started to come more into play; not good.   Enter PJ Broomy, with a demonstration of one of his dojo's kata.

I have suffered from stress related mental health issues, bordering on depression and have struggled at times with my temper, as well as my heart and lung conditions.  My best answer to all of those has always been to learn something new.  I think I frustrated my Sensei at times in this, as I should really have been drilling my fundamental kata.  I totally agreed with them that as only a blue belt in our discipline, I needed to practice, practice, practice. 

However, the physical needs also needed to be tempered with the mental.  Learning a new kata for me was a mental as well as physical challenge, which while I felt I was under mental siege was an important release.   I was not trying to learn different bunkai, because all I needed to know is in Naihanchi.  It's a codex for many of the brutal strikes you can make, and for a last resort, if all other things have failed, that's perfect.

PJs school of Karate, Bu-Kai is based primarily on the Goju Ryu style.  I had previously gone through the basics of Seisan with him, and this time around he was showing me the basics of Sanseru.  Both are derivative of Sanchin, the base kata of Goju-Ryu.  My interest started in this school when I was shown how to use Tensho as a kata to help with breathing.

 First of all PJ contributed to an online lesson with my own dojo during Covid, and opened the door to more kata from the same school as Tensho.  It was a door which I happily went through and have been learning from PJ ever since.  My own research has shown me that the divides between schools such as Shorin Ryu and Goju Ryo are historically artificial.

The bottom line in my mind was, I had to practice the fundamentals; my core kata and drills, but I also needed mental challenges.   This gave a focus away from home and work and in so doing, helped me create my own mental "separation", in place of the physical one that is impossible to achieve in lock-down.

The material from another school of karate provided me with just the mental stimulus I needed to  keep me challenged.

Hope this all makes sense and thank you for reading.

04-01-2021 (re-written 01/09/2023)

Covid and the Mind

 

A collecting together of all the blogs between January 2021 and March 2022 relating to Covid, mental health and in a small way karate.

January Covid Blues

february-turmoil-something-positive

beware-ides-of-march-and-april-showers

kata-covid-and-mind

suicidal-thoughts

kata-and-cbt

living-with-consequences

the-waiting-game

The Waiting Game

 

One of the most stressful experiences at any point in your life is the waiting game. However, it seemed more tense this time round than on any previous occasion.   Being removed from your post as a result of an adverse mental health experience doesn't help, even when the company the employs you assure you of their good intentions, especially at the age of 61 with a family.

Working in the Security Industry meant at this time were always going to be delays due to the prevailing circumstances.  However, even being aware of the circumstances doesn't help lessen the tension.  The only way I found through this was to focus on one thing at a time, keep up my CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) routine and try to find things to distract.

There are many issues which I need to resolve, but 90% of them require some solid basis on which to plan, which is precisely what I haven't had.  These were the hardest to put to one side, but it was a must as dwelling on them would have done me no good.  I found out about what my employer had in mind round about mid February, but it has taken until now for this to really feel concrete.  I begin work officially in my new role on the 1st of April coming, practically on the 4th of April.

In the time spent waiting, I have started practicing the frame works for 4 of the 5 Pinan kata (this is going back to December, when I was originally signed as fit to returned to work in a controlled manner) and started on a couple of kata with Sai.  Now I'm starting to build up my personal practice time, as I haven't made it back to the dojo yet due to family and health considerations.  But the Waiting Game is almost over, and hopefully I can start to slowly start pulling the pieces together and getting some things in life back on track.  

I want to say a big "Thank You" to my Sensei, family and friends for their support during this time.

REY 26/03/2022

Kata with Sai

I haven't formally been trained in Sai, but some time back, attending a session online with Sensei Tuari Dawson wetted my appetite.  Since been given Sai as a birthday present, I have occasionally used Sai with kata to see how they might fit.  This year however, due to personal circumstances, most of my practice and training has been solo and I found myself picking up the Sai more often.

Sanchin with Sai

I started off with Sanchin, which for some reason seemed to fit, and have been doing that for a couple of months now.  However, on my birthday, a message from one of my FB friends took me back to a video shared with me a couple of years ago.  It was of another standard kata, but done with Sai.  The first time round, I hadn't recognised it, but it was essentially Pinan Nidan.  Well, not quite.  

Pinan Nidan with Sai

I have tried it out a few times, and this weekend if formed the basis of a discussion with PJ Broomy.  Two things came out of this:

Firstly the kata is actually a blend of Taigyoku Shodan and Pinan Nidan
Secondly, I need to work on my Sai manipulation, as I still have a lot to learn.

PJ has kindly guided me to some YouTube material by Tuari Dawson, so time to get studying....

Living with the Consequences

A while back I wrote a blog titled "Suicidal Thoughts", based on the issues that caused me to contemplate suicide.  This is the follow up.

As as result of my speaking to the doctor, I was signed off work and undertook a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help we work through the issues that had put me in such a position.   This was backed up by counselling through a service provided by my employer.  Basically it was a mix of financial worries, the worries caused by COVID-19 and my co-morbidities and family issues that had been there since the start of COVID.  In part I had turned to alcohol as a part of my coping mechanism, which had made things worse.

Working through the course persuaded me that I needed to drastically cut down my intake, and also to evaluate my feelings before reacting to situations.  The reduction in alcohol intake stays in effect to this day, an I believe for the most part I now react in a more reasoned and reasonable manner to most situations.  I also have to keep working at dealing with each situation independently, rather than dwelling too long on the "what ifs" of different combinations of things.

My progress was such that I was signed as fit to return to work with specific provisions, just before Christmas.   The approach was agreed by both my own doctor and my company's Occupational Health Consultant, but could not be discussed by my company or contractual employers until the new year, due to the holiday period.  So Christmas and New Year came and went, an I was hoping for a reasonably quick response.  Since the trigger for my thoughts had been the fear of using public transport, the provisions were based around a phased return to work, firstly working from home then gradually starting to return to the office one, two then three days a week before returning there full time.

The role I held on the contract was one which did require me to be in the office when fully occupied, but I had successfully carried out the main duties from home for the vast majority of the COVID period.   Therefore I was hopeful that the approach would be accepted.   However, as time went by with no official word other than that my manager on the contract had to hand the situation over to his manager, as he was extremely busy, January passed by without any word, and the doubts began to set in.

The focal point for each day became my exercises for bringing myself into the "now", combined with breathing and relaxation.   These as I had previously mentioned in "Kata and CBT" I had worked in with my Karate practice, as meditation forms a part of the routine for that discipline as well, at least the concept of "Mokuso" or empty mind.  I also spent part of the time learning new kata, courtesy of Videos from Noah Legel.  That, and doing some of the tasks that had been outstanding for a while.

There were other trials and tribulations along the way, but it obviously began to sink in that things were very likely not going to be as they were before.   This in turn brought new worries, which began to take a hold to some extent.  Battling these became added to the other issues I had already outlined to deal with, but the worst part as I am sure anyone will know, is the waiting.

I finally had my meeting with HR in early February, accompanied by one of the company directors, who had taken an interest in my case.   At the meeting I learnt of their concerns and intention to offer me a new role, working fin house and from home, with flexible hours.   This would address many of the worries I had, but obviously would mean some adjustments.   Then started another wait to see if this would come to pass.  The email finally came today, just as I was starting to write this blog.  Now I have to consider a fresh start and new challenges, but at least I am still here to tell the tale 😊.

REY 17/02/2022

September to December Karate Diary

September to December 2021 was quite a rough period for me, but karate practice as ever was a part of my routine to keep going.  I worked it in with my mental health techniques as well, in the form of Kata for mindfulness and relaxation.  Below are a few sample videos and the playlists for Shorts, Solo Practice and Lessons for this time. 

September to December 2021 Shorts

September to December 2021 Solo

September to December 2021 lessons

Kata and CBT.

I'm currently undertaking an online course in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to help me unravel the Gordian knot described in "Suicidal thoughts".  Part of this is to practice three sets of techniques each day to help with mindfulness and relaxation.  Basically you have:

• Awareness, going through each part of your body in turn to explore what you can feel
• Tensioning, tensing and relaxing muscles to help relieve tension
• Breathing, feeling each breath to bring you into the now and focus on the present

This reminds me of a lot of the techniques I have learnt through Karate, such as the relaxation and cardio slow kata learnt with Robey Jenkins, the tensioning in Sanchin from PJ Broomy and the breathing learnt from Noah Legel, in Tensho.

As a result, and due to my need to get back into deliberately practice every day, I decided to see whether I could combine the two.  So I perform Naihanchi Shodan, Sanchin and Tensho in sequence.  Naihanchi, I perform slowly, paying attention to how my body moves and feels.  Sanchin, I am currently experimenting with tensioning on 1 rep in 2 and 1 rep in three for the whole body and relaxing in between.  In Tensho, it is a case of using the breathing much as is done in Mokuso, to empty the mind and come into the present.

The two videos shown are from the last couple of days, one with the 1 in 2 Sanchin, the other with the 1 in 3 Sanchin.  Very much a work in progress, but ironic that I chose without thinking the three kata labelled as fundamental kata to Karate by Miyagi Chojun.  I didn't even think about that until it was pointed out by PJ Broomy.  

Will document how it goes in a later blog.

Suicidal thoughts

 Probably one of the hardest things to talk about, but I have contemplated it a few times over the last three or four months.  Two times I've held a long bladed kitchen knife to my stomach, once I made a hangman's noose and the last time I got it back out and thought about it.  Once with the knife the police were called by my sisters, as they couldn't get hold of me after a comment on Facebook, and the last time my son walked in on me with the noose in front of me.

There are a number of problems in my life, some are financial worries, other are family issues which I have to work on, or other members of my family.  Any one on their own can be worked on, but then came Covid-19 and a whole new host of worries.  Prior to Covid-19, my health was largely under control through the use of medication, but Covid-19 changed that, as it now makes them potentially immediate killer conditions (heart and lung issues + Covid-19 is not a happy combination).

We were recently warned about having to go back to work full time, and told to prepare mentally, and I thought I had,  However, when it came the message hit me with a bigger  effect than I thought. The first bit was in two weeks time, one week in three which allowed a bit of breathing space,  the second actually the official update was that it would be the following week, but the trigger for events was the third update, which was that we would have to be using public transport.

Whilst I have been back to work in the office a couple of times in the last 20 months, it was always using a cab.   The thought of using public transport hit hard.  In my own group at work, social distancing and the use of masks is still in place, but travelling by train is a whole different thing.  No rules, no masks and people around you who have no consideration for others.  I just went numb, but with the feeling of a massive weight on my shoulders.

The common thing that I have noticed in the last two years, is that when a situation has arisen to which I am struggling to respond, all the other issues which I have been trying to deal with one by one rush in as well. giving a feeling of overwhelming helplessness, with no way of unravelling it.  A Gordian knot if you will.   With no obvious way out, that's when the feeling of helplessness followed by the contemplation of suicide kicked in.

My son's intervention got me to speak to the doctor and am now going to undertake a course in CBT accompanied by some counselling to help untangle the knots.  Family, messages from friends and the ability to train online with some of them have also been a great help.  I felt I needed to write this, just in case it might help some others.

REY 13/11/2021

Kata, Covid and the mind

 

During the long period of training at home due Covid, karate has been one of my few positive outlets, and kata one of my first go-tos in times of stress, for exercise, relaxation and as mental stimulation.  Now things are looking to settle down, I thought it worthwhile to reflect on how far I have come in my use of kata as a part of my life.

Shorin Ryu kata

In March 2020, I knew one kata fully of my Shorin Ryu style, and had started to learn another.  Naihanchi Shodan was the main kata and was allowed to practice Naihanchi Nidan.  As a result of working online with Robey Jenkins, I had learned to use kata for cardio, and as a result of working online with Noah Legel, I had learned to use kata for breathing exercise.  All the Kata shown here are done in the manner associated of my working with these two excelent teachers.

As a result of having the opportunity to work with PJ Broomy online, I was introduced to the Bu Kai style.  After the formal lessons originally arranged for my dojo, I have had the pleasure of working with PJ one to one on many occasions.  He kindly demonstated a number of kata to me, including the opening kata of his style, along with a number of others.

Bu Kai kata

I've always had an enquiring mind, so I think it was natural for me to look at other kata to learn as a form of mental stimulation during these Covid-ridden times.  A documentary of Jesse Enkamp's, the "Karate Nerd in China" inspired me to want to learn the form of Seisan, which PJ kindly showed me, plus another Sanchin based kata, Sanseru.

Goju Kai/Ryu kata

Few of the kata here will ever be perfected for fighting purposes, but for the purposes I am using them for as denonstrated, they work perfectly well.  They are:

Naihanchi Shodan (core Shorin Ryu, graded since Covid)*
Naihanchi Nidan (core Shorin Ryu, formally learning)*
Naihanchi Sandan (core Shorin Ryu, allowed to practice)
Pinan Shodan (allowed to follow in lessons)

Taigyoku Shodan (Goju Ryu/Shotokan opening Bu-kai kata/PJ Broomy) Heian Nidan (Shotokan, second Bu-kai kata/PJ Broomy) Seisan (Goju ryu, 7th Bu-kai kata/PJ Broomy) Sanseru (Goju ryu, 8th Bu-kai kata/PJ Broomy) Tensho (Goju ryu and Breathing kata/Noah Legel)*

*These are the kata practiced pre-Covid.

Thank you to Alison and Ben Slack, Robey Jenkins, Noah Legel and Paul Broomhall for all their help and inspiration, also Les Bubka who showed me how to use slow kata for relaxaion. Plus any of you who are kind enough to read.